


To the Pearl Aqua Moon in the Sky

by 108am



Category: SHINee
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 09:00:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13143363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/108am/pseuds/108am
Summary: Dearest Jonghyun—We love you.





	To the Pearl Aqua Moon in the Sky

**Author's Note:**

> A small portion of the millions of jumbled thoughts that had went through my head this past week, compiled into a letter that he’ll never be able to read. Everything still feels so unreal, so raw, I don’t think I’ll ever truly express how much this deeply hurts.

Dearest Jonghyun—

School was over for the summer. Sixteen-year-old me is in her bedroom one warm, sunny morning, wearing denim shorts and a tank top. Her laptop is sitting on her bed, the music video for _Replay_ starts to play, and she watches eighteen-year-old you sings the first verse: 누난 너무 예뻐서. Months of anticipation for SHINee’s debut had led up to this moment.

You had caught her eyes, not because you were the first to be in the video, but because of this beautiful aura and charisma about you. This moment had cemented you a place in her heart, as it probably did in millions of other people’s hearts as they cheered on for SHINee’s success.

And succeed you did, bringing to the K-Pop scene a unique sound unlike any others. You wowed everyone with your music, tickled everyone with your smiles and laughter. You were supposed to go far alongside your brothers. There were songs waiting to be written, waiting to be sung by you. There were still lives waiting to be touched by your very presence.

When did it start to hurt, Jonghyun?

Wearing a bright smile so others can’t see your pain or the scars inside of you, I know it well, so it honestly makes me _so fucking angry_ that I couldn’t see yours.

You said you were broken. Your doctor had told you you weren’t trying hard enough to get better, that it was your fault. We’re all a little broken inside. This hollowness that others can’t understand eats you from the inside out. It was never your fault. You tried. You tried so _damn hard_ , but you didn’t have to do it alone. Did anyone hold you? Tell you to lean on them? _Let me help you!_ Those were the words you had wanted to hear, right?

You were everyone’s angel, how I wish someone could have been yours.

Hey, Jonghyun, it was my birthday on the ninth. You had held your final concerts then, right? You had already made the decision, haven’t you? You had made so many preparations for the end, I almost want to hate you for it, but I can never hate you. I didn’t make a birthday wish, Jonghyun, I never do, so could I please, please, _please_ use this stockpile of wishes to have you back? We’ll do it right this time. We won’t turn a blind eye, won’t stay mum, we’ll reach out and hold on tight before you could even slip away.

It’s a foolish and meaningless thought to have now, I know. I get scared when I think of others suffering like you did. I can’t stop looking for signs now. I worry about your family, friends, and colleagues. I’m afraid of disappointing you, afraid of history repeating.

It still feels so surreal, like a nightmare that I can’t wake from. I couldn’t believe the date you had chosen, for it was the date I had lost my dear grandma years ago when I was a child, my first real experience with death. How could I ever expect nineteen years later a boy with the voice of an angel would take his own life halfway across the world and my heart will bleed and I will cry until there are no more tears to give? Grandma, will you please find him and hold him for me? I don’t want him to hurt anymore. I don’t want him to be alone.

Jonghyun. You were always supposed to be a year older than me, except now you’ll just be eternally twenty-seven.

Twenty-six-year-old me still can’t accept this. The articles appeared one after another, the terrible headlines flashed by in a nauseating blur. Even as I stared at the pictures, seeing all those grievers, it’s just not registering. I’m in denial, how can I not be? I don’t want you to be gone. No one does.

I wish time could turn back. I want to go back to that summer when everything began.

Jonghyun-oppa, I want to believe you are happy now. Can you see how deeply loved you are from wherever you are now? I don’t know when, but I’ll get through this pain as long as I can believe that you are truly happy now. We adored your voice, your music, and everything that you did, but at the end of the day, the thing we’d valued the most was your happiness and wellbeing. I’m so sorry we were never able to give back to you as much as you have given us.

If we meet in our next lives, I hope you are smiling from the bottom of your heart.

You did well, Jonghyun, you did great. You were beautiful and brilliant, and how blessed were we to have shared a lifetime with you. Thank you for coming into our lives. We love you.


End file.
